I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
