the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
