goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
