i just made my gag reflex go away.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
