i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I am one with the molecules
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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