I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
