I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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