Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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