I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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