We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Randomize
