someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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