i'm signing you up for texting rehab
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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