Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
