Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
