Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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