my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Let's get the cat blown out
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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