so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
