the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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