Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
