So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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