Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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