'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
