so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My liver just had a heart attack.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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