"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
