i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
