he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
