My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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