I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize