Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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