I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize