Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
