I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
