There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
