there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
