He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
