My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
