It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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