i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
