I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
