haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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