I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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