Sry I called you an 8
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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