Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
