I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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