Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
