So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
