my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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