I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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