I met the friendliest cop last night
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
