Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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