I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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