Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
