It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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