i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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