Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
